Match Reports 2012 - March

Sunday 25 March 2012

Views expressed in these reports are my personal ones and are not necessarily those of the rest of the league committee. MoMs decided by the match official.

LIMEYS STILL ON COURSE FOR DOUBLE

GOAL-SCORING LEGEND RETIRES AFTER FINAL GALACTICOS HUMILIATION

PUSSAYS ONE WIN FROM TITLE

Cup Semi Final News

There were sure to be more gracious winners tonight whatever the result than in the other semi final and your house would probably be safe had you gambled it on the limeys reaching their second consecutive cup final before the game. Short of terrier Dan Stockley, Frontiers drafted in a replacement called Goose whose main task it would seem, other than to mis-time 2 or 3 tackles, was to squeeze an egg-shaped ball no doubt from the netting twice before the game.  Good job man.   It remained goal-less until Frontiers keeper Jim Adkins slid out of his area to concede a penalty kick despite the routine protestations that he hadn't.  Monotonous questions like "how can you see that from over there?" obviously followed.  I could have been half a mile away but as still in line with the offence it was an easy decision.  To be fair, I can't win.  Had i got any closer than quarter of a mile there would have been complaints that my stomach was distracting their goalkeeper by hanging over the penalty area.  And I had, actually, been to Specsavers too so that helped. Jimmy Ellice stepped up to take the spot kick and he gave the limeys the lead.  Immediately after that came another "contentious" decision as, in "Goughy" style, Eelsey fired in the kick off directly past Malcolm into the limeys' net only to see the effort dis-allowed for not having been touched twice.  Despite arguments to the contrary, I have not ever knowingly awarded a goal in these circumstances and although I was not 100 per cent if this was specifically touched upon in our rules bible. I stuck to my belief that although 11 a side rules allow it, presumably realising it's not going to happen very often from such a distance, it is not in the spirit of 5 a side.  But maybe this is something that can be looked at in the future.  As it turns out, rule 3 specifically states that a goal cannot be scored directly from a kick off. I have a feeling this was always unofficially the rule but only placed in the rules 2 or 3 years ago after one of our hardly densely populated meetings. To make things worse for Frontiers, soon after this re-taken kick off which came to nought, Ashley Conlan, quick feet for such a big man, tiptoed round new dad Carl Powell to score at the near post for the limeys' seconds despite being tripped just before.  Luckily my whistle couldn't get past the afore-mentioned stomach quickly enough for me to blow for a free kick before Crouchy had scored another wonder goal.  A third limey (and second Conlan goal) followed that as the latter gave Jim the eyes in goal and comfortably placed the ball in the opposite corner to which Jim was led to be expecting.  The second half saw Gino back on the score-sheet as Jim fed him with a free kick.  The pièce de resistance however was left until last as in a three man move, not sure what Mauler was doing at the time (probably checking his sun dial to see how long was left - and it said 35 minutes), as Jim found Gino with a ball as nicely weighted as the referee and the deft touch shown by the old fella placed the ball at the feet of a marauding Ashley Conlan who once again expertly found the net for 5-0.  Some consolation for Frontiers, who gallantly fought throughout, as Goughy did get a goal just before the end.  So notwithstanding the disallowed goal and Malcolm Dewhurst being the luckiest goalkeeper in the world (for the 25th season running at the top no less), the best team won on the day and they head off to the cup final against those loveable Spanish w@nkers. So we obviously know what's going to happen there.  Yep.  We're going to have to make use of the bibs.  (MoM_Ashley Conlan)

Division 1 News

With the limeys out of league action tonight, the pinksters had the chance of narrowing the gap on the leaders by playing their game in hand. The problem was it was against Bayside Tigers who are no pushovers and who turned up with a squad the size of Jose Mourinho's ego.  As top scorer Dave Hardy looked on from the stands. from where he still doesn't pass, the pinksters started brightly but fell behind to a quick breakaway that has become the Tigers' trademark as Alan Price fed Tony Gay to get the first goal of the game.  The Jash Man said he wouldn't hit the ball as well as he did for his hat trick last week against cup finalists ("whooooooooooo!") Capulleo, but tonight he showed that was a lie as he turned and fired a right foot shot into the top left hand corner of Derek Freeman's net for the equaliser. The Nobster then scored the first of his hat trick to give them a 1-goal and then a 2-goal lead.  The Jash Man could have had another goal late in the first half too as he spun round Alan Price only for the Tigers' skipper to wrestle him to the ground just before the pinkster could touch the ball down for a try evidently.  At the break it was all change as Dean Richards and Chris Webb entered the fray.  Alan Price pulled one back and then Webby had a shot blocked by the keeper and as the ball went up in the air about 20 feet Dan Siggers waited all alone outside the box to volley in the rebound for 3-3. There were apparently some quite justified complaints that Webby had entered the goal area after his shot but rather than following up the rebound, the pinksters just expected a whistle and watched as the equaliser was scored.  I must admit I was so focussed on ensuring Dan didn't encroach to score, I may have missed the off the ball run over the goal line by Chris Webb.  No help from my linesman as usual!  No matter in the end as The Nobster scored what looked like would be the winner until The Jash Man capped off another fine performance by netting the 5th on the final whistle. (MoM_James Ashman)

Galacticos are struggling at the moment, sitting in the bottom two and staring relegation in the face.  Being unable to field their strongest team each week has cost them dearly.  Skipper Simon Bolt has been getting louder and louder all season in his frustration and claimed before tonight's game that he would be retiring from the team after this last swansong against The Irons. Maybe he could go out on a high tonight in a high-scoring entertaining game?  Well he was half right. There were ten goals in all tonight. But all of them went in past his keeper Rob Winslow for whom you have got to feel sorry as he got little protection at times although The Irons were cooking tonight.  By the end it could have more than the double figures.  No, that sounds like it could have been 100-0. Well actually.....................It was 6 minutes and 38 seconds before Irons keeper Dave Clark touched the ball in the first half.  His team were playing so magically he had time to read through the whole set of 7 Harry Potter books before the break.  Mind you he didn't touch the ball at all last week against the Tigers either when he instead chose to just let the ball fly past him from every angle.  He touched it once more during the first half.  Rob Winslow touched the ball more often than Dave plus all of the Galacticos team-mates put together just picking the ball out of his net.  The Irons goal scorers were Paul Baker (3), Chris Dorian(2), Paul Kinggett (2) and Adam "The Hammer" Sontag (2).  We say farewell to Simon Bolt,  Until he changes his mind again.  Or re-vamps his team.  Or joins another team.........(MoM_Paul Baker)

I usually expect goals in Four Friends and Brad games.  I usually expect goals in Green Machines games.  So when you put them together you're bound to get an end-to-end high-scoring game won by a single goal at the death.  Now you're expecting me to say it was 0-0 or something?  Well no for once they didn't disappoint.  A quick 2-0 Machines lead evaporated soon after with FFAB's own two-goal salvo.  I guess from that point the Green Machines were in charge without ever looking really safe.  It ended 6-5 and it's a shame the winning Glen Righelato goal came after Brad Richie had saved brilliantly only to see the ball spin up in the air and off the floor in front of him.  As he tried desperately to get up to claw it back he could only watch despairingly as the ball trickled over the line.  He had conceded one penalty just before and nearly conceded another in the first half but miraculously prevented his @rse from protruding out of the area as he slid towards the halfway line.  Machines' scorers were Steven(2) and William(3).  Wes, Jon(2) and Kermit(2) scored for FFAB who were confirmed relegated tonight.  Unless Galacticos can win 3 out of their remaining 4 games, the Green Machines are now safe from the drop. (MoM_William Castle)

Division 2 News

The title race continues but with now only one game left each for the two challengers after tonight.  Pussay Patrol, on paper, had the toughest challenge facing Blue Bishops who, after his missing last week, had that other goal-scoring legend Luke Berry back in their ranks. Oh how PP were pleased to see him at leisurezone tonight.  Indeed it was Luke who opened the scoring for the Bishops and it looked like the league leaders were going to struggle as chances were wasted after that to level the score.  Finally Mike Earley scored past the impressive Jon Hutley in the Bishops' goal and soon after the same player gave them the lead. I'm not sure the Disleksicks would approve of the Bishops' half-time substitution as Luke was withdrawn with their 2nd game tonight in mind to be replaced by stalwart Jamie Cleary. Owen Campbell got a third for PP and Sam Deards effectively killed the game with a 4th before Nathan ensured a Berry goal in the second period.  So 4-2 was the final score and Pussay Patrol can win the title by defeating Harvey's All Stars in their final game of the season.  (MoM_Mike Earley)

Knowing that only a win could keep the title chances alive against the might of GS Heating, the Disleksicks were fired up enough even without skipper Liam Cuin.  Ray Hill and Graham Speller both scored for the old uns but unfortunately either side of the Dissies' 7 goals of their own.  The legend in his own mind Liam Buckley obviously ran the show almost single-handedly although he did allow team mates Ben(2), Reece(2) and Elroy(1) to add to his own brace. Both the Dissies and Pussay Patrol will be playing in Division 1 next season and, like all teams to have won promotion to the top flight, will have to adjust to the likelihood they will not be winning every game.  The best teams can lose as well as win in the same respectful way. (MoM_Liam Buckley)

The team in orange had to suffer a second game tonight as they took on erstwhile promotion chasers Blast Coat whose only fear going into this game was the fact that they usually perform better against the top sides.  Not that I'm suggesting GS Heating aren't one of the top sides of course. Heaven forbid.  So having seen GSH struggle against the Dissies the writing was on the wall suggesting an easier game for Blast Coat.  But with the two Johns swapping positions, with the old un going in goal and the youngster John Speller lying in front of his own goal area, things didn't go exactly to plan for Blast Coat.  It was a spirited GSH performance tonight that may still encourage them to hang around for  "just one more season".  It was John Speller who gave GSH the lead and probably deservedly so at that point.  One down at the break, BC needed to do something special to get back into it. With only 21 league goals so far, the lowest in the league, it was probably unlikely GSH would score another one and would probably look to hold on to their lead.  That they so nearly did but for a quick free kick by Kevin Porter which sped past John W in goal quicker than he had the time to moan at his static defence.  1-1 the final score.  (MoM_John Speller)

Finally, Blue Bishops played their second game of the evening in an effort to catch up some of their games.  Having just lost to league leaders Pussay Patrol, this time the Bishop took on Oddballs with whom they were level in the table at the start of the evening. With Luke Berry on the pitch for the entire game this time the result was never in doubt.  Although Ricky Collier and Jeff scored for Oddballs, Luke added to his impressive tally with another hat trick, Jamie Cleary scored a brace and Dave Shute lived up his surname by netting the 6th.  So the Bishops stay above Oddballs and could still end up with a top half placing with their games in hand. (MoM_Jamie Cleary)

Sunday 18 March 2012

Views expressed in these reports are my personal ones and are not necessarily those of the rest of the league committee. MoMs decided by the match official.

LIMEYS MARCH TOWARDS TITLE

PINKSTERS COMPLETE DOUBLE OVER W@NKERS

LEADERS END FASHION FLOORING CENTRE UNBEATEN RUN BUT ONLY JUST

Division 1 News

The perennial league champs had a hastily re-arranged game tonight against Green Machines with Galacticos unable to field a team and postponing the game in the nick of time.  After 20 minutes tonight, the Machines must have been ruing that Galacticos decision. Things began well for the Greenies in that at least at the start they were level at nil all.  Limey top scorer Ashley Conlan even had time to demonstrate some of his acrobatic circus skills as he fell over a Darren Gurjao challenge in the first half to match anything his buddy Hammer could possibly hope to muster. Of course he claimed he was fouled but that's not the way I saw it.  Then again what do I know?  It looked good I must say. And I'm not one to make anyone look a complete tw@t at all in these reports. Well not unless they deserve it :-).  His colleague Jimmy Ellice was on fire in the early stages firing as quick a hat trick as it's possible to see probably.  The second was volleyed in into the far right corner after Machines stopper Mickey Castle had kept out a Gino effort with, naturally enough, his feet.  Mauler Mayhew threaded a through ball to Jim for his 3rd goal before Jim set up Ash for their 4th goal which seemed to go right through Mickey in goal this time.  Jim was all over the place not only up top but also helping out at the back.  In an ironic twist, he was actually so far back at times it literally gave him a nosebleed, which caused a delay to the start of the second half.  So with a wad of tissues shoved down his shorts the second period began. Whether he could be as impressive in the 2nd half under the circumstances only time would tell.  Certainly any watching ladies would have been impressed by his now bulging lower garments.  Mauler and Ash shared the next two goals, both setting each other up when it would have been easier to score themselves. Gino got his second assist setting up Jim for the 7th goal and then Jim provided the pass for Mauler to put away with surprising finesse.  For all the Machines never-say-die attitude as usual, they did get the goal they deserved as a Will Castle long range shot found its way past Malcolm after taking a deflection.  So the limeys march towards the title again although someone should tell Jimmy that they actually need two more wins to be sure,  (MoM_Jimmy Ellice)

I guess the only team with half a chance of catching the limeys is the pinksters although they not only need to defeat the champs themselves but hope that another two out of the mighty Fleetwood, Frontiers and Galacticos also do them a favour.  By their own high standards, this has been a poor season for them as they have managed to drop 10 points so far with 5 games to go.  Next season will be harder for them again as teams like The Irons and Tigers look to challenge in the top half along with a couple of others to make a potentially interesting season. Teams this season have taken points off each other but no-one, apart from The Irons draw, has taken anything from the champs. The last time the champs lost it was Sawbo who did the business over a year ago with a resounding 6 goal thrashing and not only the binning of Jimmy Ellice but also the finger dislocation of keeper Malcolm Dewhurst.  Thoughts of another re-match with the limeys will have to wait as tonight they took on the cup finalists Spanish w@nkers  after last week's eventful tie.  Thankfully only one player mentioned "We're in the final" before the game after accusing me of telling "porkies" in last week's match report.  I said I don't know who writes this stuff but he sounds like a right ****.  "Porkies"?  Moi?  If apparently the author of these reports made the w@nkers look like complete muppets then it was the turn this week of the pinksters to do the same.  The Jash Man was burning as brightly as Jimmy Ellice in the limey game as his quick-fire hat trick was probably better as he couldn't have placed the ball harder and with any more precision than he did tonight past Binner in goal. In amongst these three goals, the w@nkers did get a consolation penalty as Sean Nolan profited from Steve Barnard's slide out of his area.  In the second half, Steve's superbly weighted pass from goal found  Cain Robinson just outside the opposing box and he was able to control the ball and fire home expertly for one of the best goals I have probably seen him score.  Where's Caveman Cain gone?  I almost miss him.  Dave Hardy got his second assist by setting up The Jash Man for his 4th goal and the pinksters' 5th and finally the man of the match returned the favour by setting up Dave for their last goal.  Sean did get a second for the w@nkers but a 6-2 win gave the Young Pinks a league double over the yellows when they seemed to go for games on end without beating them for some reason.  (MoM_James Ashman)

The Irons have suffered successive defeats over the last couple of weeks and tonight looked to arrest that run (admittedly last week they were a player light) with a game against Bayside Tigers who have lost to only the current top two teams so far this calendar year so it wasn't going to be an easy task.  They felt winners already at the start as they had 5 players at least.  Things didn't continue well though as Alan Price found Chris Webb who buried a left foot shot at Dave Clark's near post for 1-0.  You could see how hard The Irons work on the training pitch soon after as in a well-rehearsed move, Adam Sontag let rip with a hammerblast of which Chris Hart pretended to do Conlan-like acrobatics to get out of the way only to allow a wicked deflection to divert the ball into the opposite corner of Derek Freeman's net.  With the half-time score-line standing at 1-1, no-one knew which way this game was going to go.  It was frenetic stuff, end to end, but it was second half sub Dean Richards who edged the Tigers in front with his first shot of the game.  It looked as though that would win the game although The Irons pressed but they always looked at risk from a quick Tiger counter attack.  Their pressure eventually paid off though and the Irons looked to have rescued a point as Dickie Longley fed The Hammer who fired in with his second touch and his left foot.  With about 3 minutes to go though Dean Richards ran the whole length of the pitch seemingly to score his second and the Tigers' 3rd goal.  He then went on to complete his hat trick as The Irons' heads dropped.  Alan price's 5th goal at the death probably flattered the Tigers to be honest but a good win from a side getting stronger and stronger.  (MoM_Dean Richards)

The first of two walkovers tonight this time by Four Friends and Brad gave Frontiers a 3-0 victory and probable safety.

Division 2 News

Two important games at the top of the division tonight as both leaders Pussay Patrol and the chasing Disleksicks were participating in the only two games in the end.  The Pussays hold a slight advantage with three games to go by holding a 1-point lead over their light blue rivals but they do seem to have hit a patch of form equal to Spurs of late at a critical stage of the season as they strive to pick up the league title.  They scraped a one-goal win last week against the old codgers but had to suffer some dirty GSH tricks with Tony Russell (or TOOOONNNNNYYY RUUSSSSSELLLL!!!!!!!!! as team mate John likes to call him during the game) lucky not to have been at least binned for his deliberate trip on Owen Campbell.  Luckily for him, official Mauler Mayhew was momentarily distracted by checking his sundial to see how much longer there was left in the game.  Their opponents tonight were Fashion Flooring Centre who themselves were on an unbeaten run stretching back to 18 December.  Although Mike Earley gave the league leaders the lead early on after some hard work by Gibbo The Masked Man (who once again donned his glasses during this game to complete his disguise though I would like a false beard and a monocle next time), FFC didn't stop battling and for long periods looked like salvaging something from the game and deserved it from what I saw of it.  It was a game in which the Pussays must have been grateful to have their keeper Aaron Shiels back as he was definitely the busier of the two stoppers tonight.  Almost the final piece of action saw Aaron save a fierce Ian Freeman effort to keep FFC at bay and therefore keep the PP title chase on track.  (MoM_Aaron Shiels)

Having seen the above result, nothing short of victory in their game with Blue Bishops would give the Disleksicks hope in their own title chase.  Buoyed by the absence of Luke Berry in their opponents ranks, the Dissies took an early lead through Liam Cuin.  Ben Russell doubled the lead before Liam C got his second after an off the ball run from Ben opened the way for him.  An Elroy mistake let in Mark Harvey for a Bishops strike but from then on there was only going to be one winner.  Although Mark got another two and Nat Berry also got a goal with a sweet left foot strike, the difference in goals was never less than two and two apiece from Liam Buckley and Ben Russell finished the game which ended 7-4.  With Luke back maybe for the game against Pussay Patrol the title race is certainly not over for the Dissies and could go to the wire.  (MoM_Ben Russell)

Another walkover sadly tonight saw Blast Coat get the 3-0 victory over Elite to take them above their scheduled opponents tonight and back into 3rd spot.  Although impossible to catch the top two, promotion is still possible for Clogger and Co depending on any drop-outs at the end of the season.

Sunday 11 March 2012

Views expressed in these reports are my personal ones and are not necessarily those of the rest of the league committee. MoMs decided by the match official.

W@NKERS WIN IN FEISTY CUP SEMI WITH THE MIGHTY FLEETWOOD

PUSSAY PATROL REGAIN LEAD

FASHION FLOORING CENTRE'S LONG UNBEATEN RUN TAKES THEM INTO TOP HALF???

Cup Semi Final News

Where can I start with tonight's lively semi final against the w@nkers? Particularly with the solicitors of those little yellow hispanic self-abusers ready to pore over every word for any potentially libellous remark I might make here.  My solicitor has told me any personal opinion I express cannot be libellous.  Mind you that same solicitor told me he thought our opponents were a bunch of ****s so I am not sure I should take his word for anything as no-one would think that of them :-).  Eeeek. One minute in, the tone was set as wee Mark Lester mis-hit a pass overhead which Leon Townley controlled but as a result of Mauler's whistle he kindly returned the ball to his opponents up our end of the pitch and without giving him time to get back and mark anyone, Craig Charles (now to be referred to as Starman as a result of the star tattoo on the back of his head) sprinted forward to collect Sean Nolan's free kick and fire into the corner of the Finmeister's net for an early lead. Nothing against the rules I guess to not give someone time to get back when they have gone out of their way to pass the ball back to his opponents but indicative of the attitude shown during the game.  In my personal opinion.  Contrary to other opinions expressed after the game Scott had I been in exactly the same situation I would have waited or the next time my opponent might just kick it in the corner so he had time to get back and defend. Parity was restored soon after as Leon was fouled and although it took Starman about seemingly 30 seconds to move back the full distance and still didn't quite make it, Leon curled a right foot into the bottom corner of Binner's net for 1-1.  Leon then set up Malcolm Brasted for a lovely shot into the opposite corner when we were all expecting one of the wooden slats behind the goal to be in danger about twenty feet up.  Lovely strike.  Whilst 2-1 up, Leon was overheard telling his brother Ross to watch out for Starman as he felt he had lost his tattooed little head. Just before the break though it was Sean Nolan who jinked around Mark to fire in with, you guessed it, his left foot for 2-2.  With the game on a knife edge, I stayed on the sidelines only to watch in disbelief at times at what was going on.  Little kicks, one after the ball had gone about 10 seconds before from Sean on Ross who politely commented that there was no need for that.  Shirt pulling went un-noticed too. The infamous high-pitched whooooooooooing that followed Starman's winning goal was just the sort that riled the usually mild-mannered Dave Clark a few months ago and resulted in a rabid Starman chasing his opponent around the hall out of control after the former voiced objections to his disrespect resulting in both players being binned.  He didn't do that this time for some reason though.  Mmmm.  With 3 minutes to go, we were awarded a free kick just outside the w@nkers' box.  Starman, continuing the theme from earlier in the game, knelt down six feet away (well maybe not quite six).  As it was indirect, Leon decided to quickly kick the ball against Starman and score from the rebound.  As the ball ended up at his feet again though, a still prone Starman deliberately almost crawled in front of the big man, obstructing him in the process.  The difference in height being non-negotiable, Leon virtually fell on top of Craig who, as well as not getting out of the way, and arguing it was never a foul, and not giving Leon the ball back (full circle from the beginning of the game when Leon went out of his way to return the ball) took umbrage to Leon's lashing out to retrieve the ball and they both ended up forehead to forehead.  Soon enough they were both sent out of the hall to calm down.  Whilst Leon just got a drink of water, Starman allegedly chose to kick a ball as hard as he could against the water fountain, almost hitting watching players, whilst effing and blinding with children in earshot.  Not so calm then.  Had a committee member witnessed that outburst he would not be playing again for 4 games.  Maybe more as it wasn't his first offence, despite claims of innocence every time he is punished.  And we have the league's standing at leisurezone to consider also.  You know.  Grown up things.  It is not to be tolerated.  Leon, for his sins has admitted he was out of order in the way he reacted on the pitch and on another day could well have been sent off.  But once off the pitch again, he was his usual calm self despite being told to F*** Off as he went calmly over to Starman.  As the game ended, Starman was promptly jumping for joy shouting "3-2 we're in the final" in Leon's face to which the bigger man's response was just to claim "what is this, the champions league or something" ?  Enough said about his behaviour there then I feel. It speaks volumes in itself.  He was dead right though.  After all, they were indeed "in the final".   Two things come to mind though.  If it means so much to the w@nkers I wonder if we should give them the 3 points from our next league game to avoid any repercussions.  And had we known the cup meant so much to them, we wouldn't have beaten them in last season's semi final and just let them have the cup final loser medals LAST season instead of the ones they will inevitably get this time around :-)  Cracking game though actually.  Starman is such a gifted player and his two goals were top drawer efforts to be sure.  But no-one, excepting his team-mates apparently want to see this other nasty side to his nature.  And I'm talking after the game when once again there was barely controlled anger.  Until everyone accepts their share of the blame in these incidents, like Leon, it is sadly inevitable that they will happen again.  Leon started playing in the league around 7 or 8 years ago and was a key member of our undefeated title-winning side from the 05-06 season and he has never once been binned or sent off in that time.  This was the second time Starman has been involved in an unsavoury incident in just a few months with different officials.  If the official was wrong tonight then so was he in the way he reacted. Again.  I did try to put my view across to Starman after the game but was talked over in a way I would have expected my son to do when he was about 6 years old with a grin to suggest he knows best and he was damned if there was going to be another side to the story.  Not quite sure what his reffing to help us out in the past has got to do with anything to be honest though which formed part of his argument.  Heaven forbid that us refs get any preferential treatment!!  If only.  **  (MoM_Malcolm Brasted)

** = In the interests of fairness and balanced reporting, a spy in the w@nker camp overheard that the Capulleo view is that 1) obviously what I have just written is complete b*****ks (as usual) and that they were not to blame for anything during and after the game and 2) Craig's actions and reactions on the night were totally understandable in the circumstances and 3) Leon should have been sent off for allegedly "whacking" him on the head giving him a migraine and also every right to put his head against Leon's and 4) Craig didn't deliberately slap me in the chest in the second half as I jinked past him. ( I know...those last 4 words tend to make no sense at all). And if my spy wasn't mistaken, finally 5) Scott Robinson has a 12-inch c**k.  Now, you had me up to 4).

Division 1 News

The only Division 1 game in which 10 players were playing involved the pinksters, who need to catch up their games, and Green Machines.  Last time around this somehow ended in a 2-2 draw with some backs to the wall defending by the Machines but tonight it never really looked like the pinksters would let another opportunity slip for 3 points in truth.  Dave Hardy superbly volleyed in the rebound from The Jash Man's shot which cannoned off the wall.  Glen Righelato hit a post and Steve Barnard kept out a Will Castle effort before dad Mickey Castle kept out The Nobster and Dave.  The Machines' defence was finally broken again by Nobby burying a chance set up by skipper Mark Smith.  A neat turn and left foot shot from The Nobster made it 3-1 to the pinks in the 2nd half after Darren Gurjao had placed the ball in the net from a Glen Righelato pass across the goal to bring the Machines to within 1 goal.  The probably deciding goal was scored by The Jash Man when he followed up his own shot as whenever he passed to someone else they contrived to miss the target.  The Greens finished on a high though as Smokin' Joe Hiscoe scored a great goal from a slightly over-hit Will Castle pass which took some controlling.  (MoM_James Ashman)

The remaining two games involved a mis-match of 4 v 5 players as two teams were let down by one of their players.  Firstly Three Friends and Brad attempted to take on the formidable Bayside Tigers a man light.  To their credit they had almost as many shots as the Tigers tonight but couldn't find their way past stand-in keeper Chris Ratcliff.  They did score twice through Kermit and Jon but the Tigers scored 5 times as many.  Scorers were Dean(3), Dan(4), Alan (2) and Gus(1) to take them within 2 points of the mighty Fleetwood in 5th spot.  (MoM_Chris Ratcliff)

After last week's niggly game between The Irons and Frontiers which the latter ended up winning 3-2, the fixture computer paired them again this week.  Sadly, the game as a spectacle was ruined by Brad Devonshire's failure to show for his team-mates who had to endure 20 minutes' agony.  Had the Hammer had his Hammering Boots on, it could have been closer but to be fair Frontiers always were in control.  Dickie Longley did bury the Hammer's pass to level things early on but Goughy (4), Dan, Iffy and Eelesy all scored to ease any possible relegation fears Frontiers may have had before the game.  The Hammer's shooting is usually up to the standard of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid but I am sure he will admit tonight, he was a bit off.  Mind you at least he didn't fall on his @rse at all. His theme tune "Sontag Keeps Fallin' On His Head" also featured in the same movie as older readers will recall.  (MoM_Jim Adkins)

Division 2 News

The long-running league leaders Pussay Patrol found themselves dumped to 2nd spot last week by the Disleksicks but tonight they played their game in hand and stood the chance of regaining top spot again with 3 games each to go.  Tonight's opponents were never going to lie down though although ironically that's exactly what they normally do in front of the penalty area sipping their horlicks for 20 minutes talking about the Great War.  It's up to teams to break them down.  Owen Campbell did just that finally in the first half as Ashley set him up with some good work and by the time Gibbo the Masked Man had scored a solo 2nd, it looked like it would be all over.  However when you play with a different keeper every 5 minutes you're bound to concede the odd penalty and that is what happened to enable Graham to halve the deficit for GS Heating from the spot.  Tony Russell was lucky not to have at least been sin binned for a trip on Owen near the end.  It was one of those I-got-there-as-soon-as-i-could sort of tackles that GSH are prone to do every now and then.  It's as difficult to watch GSH as it is to ref them as they fall down and claim fouls all of the time when they start the fouling in the first place.  Been like it for the last 40 years so it's tough to change I guess.  PP needn't have worried and they hung on to a narrow 2-1 win to reclaim top spot. (MoM_John Speller)

GS Heating are behind in games almost as much as they are late in their tackles so tonight was a double header and their second game was against the form team of Fashion Flooring Centre who haven't lost since 18 December having not gained a point for the previous 7 years.  Skipper Dave Orme gave FFC the lead after the ball deflected off one of the old 'uns incontinence pads but a typical John Woodham pass forward found Ray Hill up top and he found the corner of Cliff's net to level things.  Once again John Speller kept his opponents at bay in goal for GSH but their defences were broken in the second half by Ian Freeman who was found by Dave for what turned out to be the winning goal.  (MoM_John Speller)

FFC also had a double header tonight and their second opponents were basement dwellers Catalan Giants who must have been licking their lips at the prospect of playing a team who had just played out a hard-fought 20 minutes against the GSH Dream Team.  Their view probably didn't change after taking the lead as Mr Angry's shot across goal took as long as D Cups' underpants to reach the corner of the net.  An on-fire Dave Orme soon levelled things for FFC and once Andy Hutchinson had skipped round Anthony Clachan for a second there was only one team in it.  Brothers Dave and Russ scored another goal apiece to take it to 4-1 and also to take their team into the top half which has got to be the biggest turn around since Mauler saw D Cups coming out of the shower.  (MoM_Dave Orme)

Sunday 4 March 2012

Views expressed in these reports are my personal ones and are not necessarily those of the rest of the league committee. MoMs decided by the match official.

LIMEYS/W@NKERS WIN AS FLEETWOOD LOSE OUT IN 11 GOAL THRILLER

IRONS SLIP UP

DISLEKSICKS TAKE OVER AT TOP AS PUSSAY PATROL LOSE

Division 1 News
As I was late arriving tonight, I confess I saw very few games so match reports would be difficult.  I will report gaol scorers and those who were awarded man of the match.

Dale / Four Friends and Brad  3-0 walkover to Dale
FC Capulleo 4 (Mike(2), Sean and Craig) Galacticos 1 (Si Bolt) (MoM_Rob Winslow)
Frontiers 3 (Eeles,Gough,Stckley) The Irons 2 (Sontag 2) (MoM_Jim Adkins)
Green Machines 6 (Righelato3, Will Castle 2, Hiscoe) Fleetwood 5 (Leon Townley 4, Wright) (MoM_Glen Righelato)

Division 2 News

Pussay Patrol 1 (Earley) Blast Coat 2 (Porter,Goodie) (MoM_Mike Gagen)
Disleksicks Untieb CF 7 (Cuin 3, Russell 2, Buckley, Winwood) Harvey's All stars 1 (Smith) (MoM_Liam Cuin)
Elite FC 6 (Osbourne 2, Sosanya T, Sosanya K, Skeete, Saffu) Cata;an Giants 1 (Lark)(MoM_Anthony Clachan)
Elit FC 3 (Sosanya T 2, Sosanya K) GS Heating 1 (Speller) (MoM_Timm,y Sosanya)